I'm going to jail i love you
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
