i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
