Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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