Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
