In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
