I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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