He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
