Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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