she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
