how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
