I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
