My friends, they love my intelligence
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
