Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
