I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
