a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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