Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
