Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
