please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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