dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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