He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
MIDGETS
????
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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