what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
