I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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