He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
