guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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