My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
