He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
