I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
