dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He did a backflip because drugs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
