Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
