xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
