Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
