I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
