I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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