Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
