You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
