the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
