just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
