That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Randomize
