Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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