I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
