She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's blow job season.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
