he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
