after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
