Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
