I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
