my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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