yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
