Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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