I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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