I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
